The Top 19 Things We Need to Retire in 2018

1.) Retail websites that make you give them an email before you can look around

You’re lucky I’m even here in the first place. Seriously, why do we need to get personal information involved? Just let me creep your products at my leisure.

2.) The phrase “I’m living my best life”

Anyone who says this is lying to the person they’re saying it to and themselves. I’ve seen your Pontiac Aztec, Karen.

3.) Tapas

You’re going to charge me $18 for this little plate of shit? You kidding me right now?

4.) Headlines that contain the words “broke the internet” or “won the internet”

You didn’t break or win shit. Believe me, if something broke or won the internet you wouldn’t be hearing about it from Buzzfeed or Thought Catalogue.

5.) Decorative pillows

Who’s the genius that thought sequins would feel good on neck skin? Someone give me two pieces of bread so I can make an idiot sandwich.

Guaranteed to cut your friend’s face during a pillow fight.

6.) The terms “clap back” and “on fleek”

2017 was your season, and it was a good one, but it’s time to retire your jerseys right along with “cray cray” and “salty.”

7.) Using a group photo as your Tinder/Bumble profile pic

You’re not tricking anyone with that. We all know you don’t even talk to those people anymore, Melissa.

8.) BitCoin

It’s goofball money, guys. Goofball money for goofballs. You’ll see. The bubble is going to pop. Also, this article is pretty good.

9.) Teaser trailer teasers

Really, guys? You’re going to give us seven seconds of the thing you’re releasing in full tomorrow?

10.) Shameless

We get it. Everyone on the show is dirty and horny and drunk and don’t give AF about anything.

Frank getting drunk for the umpteenth time. Add some cold pasta and you’ve got a new spin on an old thing.

11.) Trump’s Twitter account

Someone take the phone out of those tiny hands. He’s making us look bad. We still have no fucking clue what “covfefe” is. Sounds like tapas.

12.) Boomerang

If we can’t elevate our game beyond clinking champagne flutes then this thing needs to go.

13.) Ghosting

Stop being a pussy and just say you’re not feeling it anymore.

14.) Deejays that throw food at the crowd

Great. Now I have cake on my shirt. That’s what I wanted.

15.) Thoughts and prayers

The very definition of the phrase “it was the least I could do.”

16.) Storage container homes

It’s a trailer, guys. You’re not fooling anyone. You think I’m going to get a 30-year mortgage on something that’ll start rusting this summer? You’re crazy.

The acoustics on this thing are amazing during hailstorms.

17.) Yelp influencers

I don’t care if Linda from payroll has reviewed over two hundred restaurants. This is still the same woman that fucked up the numbers on the Fisher account last month.

18.) Clickbait journalism

Can we all agree to not fall for this anymore? Like the old saying goes: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…oh great, now I have to delete TMZ from my browser history again.”

19.) Odd-numbered lists that try to encapsulate something trivial

Aren’t you guys sick of this? I would never do that to you guys.